Curiosity Kills

I'm kinda loss for words right now.
Forgive me if I'm blabbing and all.

These days the debate of religion suddenly heated up.
I'm just going to voice my opinion here.

I was raised up in a Christian family.
With the exception of my mum.
But somehow , the faith didn't exactly get to me.
Though , I believe in God , but I have my doubts.

I don't exactly have the childhood every kid wanted.
There were times where death and pain took all over me.
But I the reason why my arms are scarless ,
I think it's due to God.
There's just something that's stopping me from doing it.
Years goes by , I'm starting to doubt the existence of God.
You can say that I'm ,
half - Christian , half - Atheist.
Now , instead of God himself ,

Music is what stopping me from doing it ,
mainly Of Mice & Men.
During the warped tour , there were so many stories of
the band meeting their fans.
About , how they changed their lives.


Post #1

"okay, so here’s what happened yesterday when I saw Austin. Me and my best friend Allison were the first ones to find him. :) When I saw him I told him, “HI, remember me?” and he said, “Susie, of course I remember you! I follow you on twitter! how can i forget about you?! I love you so much!” In my head, I was like holy shit he remembers my name. I just find it amazing how Austin called me by my name. And then I asked him, “would you be upset if i wrote you another letter and he said, “of course not! i love getting letters!” So, i gave him my letter and he said, “AW, i’m gonna read this!” and then Austin took this picture. :’) and after that, I said, “can i tell you something?” and he said, “YES!” 

I told him, “Because of you i haven’t cut in 61 days. You’ve given me hope to stop cutting and I wanted to thank you for that because I’m here alive because of you! So, thank you for helping me along the way!” then he said, “AW oh my god, wow 61 days?! how does it feel? doesn’t it feel good not hurting yourself anymore? I love you okay. I’m gonna be hanging out later on, so we can talk, okay? I love you” then he gave me another hug.

After all that, my best friend Miriam told Austin, “I wanna thank you for helping my best friend. Because of you she’s survived, so thank you!” and he said, “Aw, take care of her, okay?!” 

I don’t think you understand how much I love Austin Carlile. He’s done so much for me and I could never thank him enough. :’)

Later on, I saw him walking around and people were in line to meet him, so me and my friends decided to wait in line. Austin saw us and he said, “I want you, you, and you to take a picture with me on MY PHONE!” he wanted me, Sandra and my friend Allison to take a picture with him on his fucking phone. We were like “oh my god! really?!” He said we’re his favorite. So, he asked my best friend Miriam to take the picture of us with his phone. He told her to take four or five! IT WAS LITERALLY THE GREATEST THING IN THE FUCKING WORLD. :’) Then after we took the pictures with him he said, “I want all of us four to hang out later and talk when there isn’t that many people around.” We were all so happy and just touched that he wanted to hang out with us. AH. 

The best part about yesterday though was how after the show we went to Jack In The Box and in about ten minutes Austin Carlile, Tino and the whole crew walks in. My heart literally stopped oh my god. When Austin saw us, he said, “AH my friends!” and hugged us! Then Austin went to go order his food and he walks past our table and he patted my head. :’) It was so cute. He sat next to our table alone with his phone out and he turns around and tells me, “Susie! Check your twitter!” So, I did and he tweeted me saying, “I see you right now. And I love you. ♥” And I said, “AWWWW i love you too!” and we both smiled. :’)

After that, right before they left he stopped at our table to say bye and he hugged me for the longest. When he hugged me I whispered in his ear, “Thank you for everything!” And he said, “Susie, you’re my favorite and I love you! See you at Warped!” I hugged him even tighter omg I didn’t wanna let him go but I did eventually. He was such a sweetheart. I am just so happy that my hero loves and cares about me.  "

Post #2

"So yesterday I was getting an autograph from Austin and I asked him for advice because we both lost our mothers at the same age. There was a line of people behind me so he told me to meet him on the side of the stage before Of Mice & Men went on. He let me on back stage and I got to watch the whole Of Mice & Men set on the side of the stage Just feet away from the band. On the last song, Second and Seabring, Austin stage dove to the back of the crowd and went straight to the bus. So I went back stage and talked to Aaron Pauley who is filling in for singing, and I told him Austin wanted to talked to me, but Austin was on the bus. So Aaron Just said follow me and I went to the tour bus and talked to Austin Carlile for almost an hour. We talked about our moms, our lives and he gave me the best advice I could ever ask for. I learned so much about that man, he is truly my inspiration. It was crazy how much I opened up to him. I started crying and he started rubbing my back and comforting me. He had to go so I went in for a handshake and he gave me a hug. Then he asked me if he could pray with me. And It was one of the most heartfelt moment of my life. That man is is amazing!"

Post #3

 "Nobody on this earth will ever understand how much this man means to me. I met Austin twice on Sunday, July 8th at Minnesota’s Warped date. I was there with my boyfriend Christian waiting in line at the Trojan tent to meet the whole band. I had an Of Mice & Men t-shirt in one hand ready to be signed, a Star Wars blanket I had spent two & a half hours making, and a letter I had wrote Austin in the other. It was getting closer and closer to it being my turn to meet the band. My favorite band of all time. The band that has gotten me through the most difficult of times. It was my turn in line. I first met Phil, then Alan, then Tino, and before I knew it… it was time to finally meet my dedication, inspiration. Austin was in the middle of talking to one of the people that was working in the Trojan merch tent, so I just stood there patiently waiting for him to notice me. I was really nervous & my anxiety was getting the best of me. He then looked at me & into my eyes and cheerfully said, “Hi!!!” My heart was beating so fast. I replied, “Hi! I’m Hayley. I tweet you all the time.” He smiled and hugged me. I then set the blanket I had made for him on the table. I smiled at him and said, “Here, I made this for you.” His eyes got big as he looked down & cupped his hands over his mouth. He looked like a child in a candy store. It was adorable. “You made this!!!??”, he asked. “Yes! And I also wrote you a letter. Here, this is also for you”, I replied as I handed him the letter. “Oh my god! This is amazing. I love it so much!!!!!!” He looked so happy. He stood up from his chair and hugged me tightly. As he was hugging me, he whispered in my ear, “I love you.” I said, “I love you too Austin.” He let go & was still smiling like crazy. I then put the t-shirt down on the table, and I asked him if he could sign it for me. He said, “Of course!!” He signed his name on the shirt. Next, he pulled out a mini Of Mice & Men poster, and he signed his name on that as well. He looked up and smiled at me, “Hey! Come to the Aspire & Create tent at 7 to hang out and we’ll take pictures!” I excitedly replied, “Okay! See you at 7!” After killing time with my boyfriend and waiting a few more hours to talk to my hero again, we approached the Aspire & Create tent. There was a sign that said “Austin Carlile signing 7:00, wristbands SOLD OUT.” I had absolutely no idea that you needed a wristband. And the fact that they were sold out, I became extremely bummed out. There was a long line of kids waiting to take their picture with Austin. I was standing to the side of the line, when all of a sudden, it was 7:00. I saw Austin walking towards the Aspire & Create tent. He had a bag of cookies in his hand and set the bag on the table, looked up, smiled & shouted “HAYLEY!!!!!!!” I could not believe he remembered who I was. I smiled so big, and I waved at him. The meet & greet was about to start. Austin was eating cookies, and the line had started moving. After the first kid in line got his picture taken with him, Austin broke off half of the cookie and gave it to him. After that, Austin looked over and gave me a smile. He did this for the next few kids that took their picture with him. Austin looked over & smiled at me in between each kids turn. My boyfriend Christian said to me, “He smiled at you about 10 times!” I happily replied, “I know!” Then, I glanced down at my phone & the time said 7:30. My boyfriend had to leave, so he kissed me goodbye and left. I was also supposed to get picked up at 7:30. My phone vibrated. It was my dad. I answered the phone and my dad said, “I’m here in the parking lot. I’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes. Lets go Hayley. Its time to leave.” I didn’t want to leave, but I had to go. I began to tear up, thinking theres no way I’ll ever talk to Austin again. I told my dad, “Okay, I’ll be there in minute.” I hung up the phone. I was still standing at the side of the line. I glanced over at Austin right as he was in the middle of finishing up taking a picture with a fan. I waited until he was done meeting the fan, then I screamed, “Austin! I have to leave, my dad is here!” Then he looked at me and said “come here!!!!” I was so grateful that he was actually letting me cut in line in front of these 75 people. I walked towards him and he hugged me so tightly. “Get out your camera so we can take pictures!!!”, so I got out my iPod. He grabbed the iPod from my hands, and clicked the camera button. First we took a picture where we could see ourselves taking the picture. After taking the first picture, he looked over at me and said ”we have to take pictures different ways!” I chuckled and said, “okay!” Then, he switched camera modes to where the camera lens was pointing towards us. He stuck out his tongue making his signature face. So, I decided to try to make the same face as him. I didn’t succeed, as you can tell by the picture. Then we had someone in line take three more pictures of us. I grabbed onto his hand as his arm was around my shoulder & held it. By the last picture, Austin being his super tall self looked down at me and said “You know what?”, then he wrapped both arms around me & held me super tight. I heard some people around us say, “awww cute!” & we just looked at each other and smiled. The fan gave me back my iPod and we thanked her for taking the pictures of us. Austin then looked into my eyes, held his arms out & hugged me as tightly as ever, and he said to me “I love you so much. And I am in love with the blanket. Thank you so much Hayley.” I said to him, “No problem! I’m so glad you like it. I love you too!” He could not stop smiling. Then he said, “Here, these are for you!” and gave me the rest of the bag of cookies. “Tweet me!”, he said. “Okay, I will!”, I replied. I’m assuming he read my letter to him which explained all of my struggles that include self-harm, depression, anxiety, being bullied, popping pills as an escape, being physically & verbally abused, body-dysmorphic disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (due to being raped when I was 11), and my eating disorder. I definitely know for a fact that he noticed my obvious self-harm scars on my left arm, because he looked at me and said “Smile, okay? Smile every day this week.” So, I gave him a smile & said “Alright, I will. I will stay positive for you.” And he smiled real big and said “Okay, good. I love you Hayley!!!” “I love you too Austin.”, I replied. He smiled that amazing and contagious smile of his once more at me, and we waved goodbye. 

Austin has as given me so much hope. He is truly one of the strongest people I know. I cant imagine losing my own mother at 17 years old, and battling Marfan’s syndrome every day of my life. This man has gone/is going through so much in his life, yet he is still standing and smiling his wonderful smile. I find that absolutely incredible. He has saved my life countless nights, and has given me a reason to smile. Because of him, I am finding the strength in myself to stop purging, to not skip meals, to not pop pills, and to never take a blade to my skin again, although it is very difficult. Because of him, I’m developing the strength to look in the mirror and smile, and I cannot thank him enough for that. Austin Robert Carlile means everything & more to me. And that will never change. ♥ "

Maybe that's the reason why I love scars and all.

Sadistic? You tell me.

Sorry it's so long.

I don't know how to let it out.

I'm sorry.

x

And I said I know it well

That secret that you knew but don't know how to tell

It fucks with your honor and it teases your head

But you know that it's good girl

'Cause its running you with red

P.s. I hope whatever is on here ,
stays here.
Sorry about that.
And thanks so much.