Change.

When I was younger, I used to think so much of the world. The skies were blue, the world was almost at peace ( no thanks to America ) , iPad and Android and all those were nonexistent. I had a thought. I've always thought that I was someone special, that I am going to do achieve great feats and make a name for myself in the future. 

Fast forward 10 years, here I am, sitting in front of a computer screen at 7 minutes after 11, writing a blog post that no one would possibly wish to read. 10 years in, and I still cannot find a talent or a feat that I could say, "I did this and I am proud." What have I done for the past 17 years? Literally nothing. 

Maybe I'm just too critical of myself, but that's just one part of me that I can't seem to change. Maybe I should just stop comparing and do everything with the best of my will and hope for the best. But I just cannot do that. Here's a small secret , those rants on twitter that's saying "You..." and stuff? Most of them are pointed not at others, but at my own self. "You arrogant whore." You useless fuck." "Irrelevant." Tell me, what do I do now? 

Talk to my friends you say? I can do that. But , with no intention of harming anyone's feelings, I just feel that I do not belong. No fingers pointing, but it's just me. I just pushes everyone out. I guess it's just easier that way. I just enjoy being alone more time than often. Maybe it's because I just don't trust people? I have an impression that most people nowadays are too judgemental, they judge even when they know none. They speak as if the truth when it's all fictional. 

i am actually so self-conscious to the point where if someone is looking at me i literally feel like they’re thinking and picking out all of my flaws dear god.

To be honest, I am truly surprised that I made it to this moment. It's really surprising really.  

Still, there are times I am bewildered by each mile I have traveled, each meal I have eaten, each person I have known, each room in which I have slept. As ordinary as it all appears, there are times when it is beyond my imagination.

— Jhumpa Lahiri, Interpreter of Maladies

That said, I still don't know how I am going to survive in the big open world next time. With the limited skills that I possess, I acquire nothing that is really unique. Not any game changer, not any big impact. Just a small speck in the wide world, that brings nothing to the world, only taking up spaces that are meant for other worth being people.