Am I Doing This Right?

Guess it's about time I spent some time updating this blog hmm? Back then , when I started writing a blog, I only thought about writing how I spent my days and what I would like to be and all, typical words that kids would say when they were young. Nowadays, I feel that writing this blog, brings me one step closer to doing what I hope I will be doing in the future. That's why at the start of the holiday, I promised myself that I would keep this blog updated every week, what a failure ha? Though , not all fault can be blamed on me, well actually it can, I don't know, since that promise, there has been so many times where I would start a new post, couple sentence into the post, I would delete everything off and go to bed, or maybe even stay up and just waste time on the Internet.

I just don't have the self-believe
Not the confidence.
Not nothing to feel that what I'm writing is decent enough.
It might be bad, it WILL be bad come one post or other, but success never happens without failure, they co-exist with each other just as lovers need each other's love. Without either one of it, it will just fail, never to exist anymore in the future.

Back to the point, I no longer  rarely write post about my life and all, why? Because it is just plain boring, I rarely leave the house. I see no point of leaving the house if all we're going to go are the malls, I don't really want to go there to waste money, we're wasting fuels, we're wasting money just by entering the mall, just to spend hours in a confine space surrounded by walls of people. No! I would rather just stay in the house, there's many other things I can do in the house, though, it mainly has something to do with the computer and television and all technology in between, but there's just infinite things to learn from the Internet and Television channels alike, these days, beside the sports channel, all I watch on TV are TLC , National Geographic and Discovery Channel, and a little of History Channel. Boring it sounds? I think it's splendid! Everything about it are just marvellous, it's up to every person's judgement in the end.

Career wise, everywhere I look, there's people who has decided what they are going to be in the future, even if they don't , they have something to carry them up when all seems to fail. I on the other hand, seem destined to fail.
I don't have a talent, I'm pretty bad at making sounds , hence music.
I'm bad at drawing , I'm not good with computers, I'm not good with plain knowledge of the world.
Hell, when people asked me what I want to do, I just say "Media Advertising"
Why I say that? Frankly , I don't know.
You could say that my godma's daughter is in that industry and has made a name for herself in it, maybe that's my cushion, but is it what I want to be? I don't know.


I love words, I love knowing more about the world, I love knowing what happen that caused the Civil War , what actually happened about 9/11 , about Titanic, Amelia Earheart, just about everything that's happening in the world, I especially loved snowboarding and everything that happens on Red Bulletin, it's a e-magazine that Red Bull issue for free every month, and it's pretty good, it just inspires me to do better, so that one day, I could work on it, I could be on the Red Bull editorial team.

Hence, you could say that my dream job involves journalism, maybe that's what I love, but why I can't put decent effort into writing a weekly post, it's not daily, it's not much to ask, but why. Maybe I'm just lazy, or something, but I deeply believe that the root of all my problems are of my confidence, I'm not a person with decent confidence, I'm not confident with my answer , I'm not confident with my work, I'm not confident with everything.

I remember when I was young, I would spend most of my day in the carpeted floor of the living room, pouring all the legos on the carpet and start building something magnificent, at least to me, and years go by, I would still be doing that same thing before moving to Selangor, I guess you could say, that's when the boredom starts to kick in and the confidence start to abandon me, starting a new life in a new world isn't a easy thing to do, it's just across the ocean, but doing so with an eleven-year old kid whose confidence is always going to be as low as the ocean could get, that just make things harder. You seem to be in this particular world alone.

I really don't see a decent future for me, being the youngest of four, every one expect high hopes of me, that added to the pressure, I fear that I would only bring them failure and disappointment, just this past final year exams, I did horribly, if the validity of the results posted online are genuine and proven, then yeah, I did incredibly bad. I didn't get an A, not even on English, I don't know what happen. Only time could tell what is really going to happen, am I going to bring more disappointment? Or am I going to achieve something decent with my life?