Thoughts.
Few days ago, it was the 11th. It was the 11th of the 2013 month. It marks the 17th year that I am alive and kicking on this earth. And with that, I thought it would just be a normal day, nothing special or any sort. Boy was I wrong, I had the worst and best birthday day ever. All without the presence of a "physical present."
I won't say much but I guess it was the best because I had the whole class, the whole form and the family in Perth all singing a song to me. It might seem small, but for someone who hasn't had a big birthday celebration for probably about 5-6 years, it means big.
And the worst came night time, it was the clock was yawning for the 23 time of the day, with that there was only an hour left in the special day. My body was feeling weary, it was tired, and with me being terribly sick, mind you I have been sick for almost 4 weeks now, I can't even walk straight. With that I took the decision to head to bed and end the day with a rightfully deserved sleep. But someone up there might think otherwise, I couldn't sleep. I rolled to the left, I rolled to the right, I stood up and walk around the room, I went down to have a cup of water, I went to the toilet, and even there, I had the urge to puke, I screamed into my pillow, I gave my Stitch a hug. Nothing worked. I could not sleep. And slowly by slowly, with each second, with torment, it was already 4 hours into the new day, And I guess that person thought he has had enough of me and finally let me off to my sleep. The result? I couldn't kept my eyes open for the next schooling day. But I wanted to go. We were taking photos for the magazine. There was a career day thing in the hall. I guess I went and didn't regretted the decision.
Even after that day, I thought to myself, I didn't want to go back to my old depressed self. I did not want that. I have friends that care. I have friends that love me. There are people that know of my existence. I did not want to go back. And I actually achieved that, but it was no where long lasting. I guess nothing really happen. I guess someone didn't want me to be happy. I guess someone want me to be depressed. I guess the possibility of failure, the known expectations of failing my family, my friends, myself. I guess that just took its toll. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't keep up with the world. I just can't.
And there I was, sitting hopelessly by the corner, with the lovely lullaby of Lights playing in the background, I guess it was only the sounds of Lights that stopped me from doing what I intended to. People has talked to me, people have tried to bring me back up, all without knowing the real cause, even I don't know, but none of them really got through the "invisible barrier" that's blocking every sense out. People always say, "it's only a matter of time before it gets better." No, don't talk to me about that. It works with other people, but my life has always been on a spiral downfall, with only a slight bump up when the blue moon rises. It's just too hard. Am I giving up? No I do not think so. But am I doing anything to bring me back up? I doubt so.
I'm just too tired.
I want to be happy.
I don't want to be depressed.
I won't say much but I guess it was the best because I had the whole class, the whole form and the family in Perth all singing a song to me. It might seem small, but for someone who hasn't had a big birthday celebration for probably about 5-6 years, it means big.
And the worst came night time, it was the clock was yawning for the 23 time of the day, with that there was only an hour left in the special day. My body was feeling weary, it was tired, and with me being terribly sick, mind you I have been sick for almost 4 weeks now, I can't even walk straight. With that I took the decision to head to bed and end the day with a rightfully deserved sleep. But someone up there might think otherwise, I couldn't sleep. I rolled to the left, I rolled to the right, I stood up and walk around the room, I went down to have a cup of water, I went to the toilet, and even there, I had the urge to puke, I screamed into my pillow, I gave my Stitch a hug. Nothing worked. I could not sleep. And slowly by slowly, with each second, with torment, it was already 4 hours into the new day, And I guess that person thought he has had enough of me and finally let me off to my sleep. The result? I couldn't kept my eyes open for the next schooling day. But I wanted to go. We were taking photos for the magazine. There was a career day thing in the hall. I guess I went and didn't regretted the decision.
Even after that day, I thought to myself, I didn't want to go back to my old depressed self. I did not want that. I have friends that care. I have friends that love me. There are people that know of my existence. I did not want to go back. And I actually achieved that, but it was no where long lasting. I guess nothing really happen. I guess someone didn't want me to be happy. I guess someone want me to be depressed. I guess the possibility of failure, the known expectations of failing my family, my friends, myself. I guess that just took its toll. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't keep up with the world. I just can't.
And there I was, sitting hopelessly by the corner, with the lovely lullaby of Lights playing in the background, I guess it was only the sounds of Lights that stopped me from doing what I intended to. People has talked to me, people have tried to bring me back up, all without knowing the real cause, even I don't know, but none of them really got through the "invisible barrier" that's blocking every sense out. People always say, "it's only a matter of time before it gets better." No, don't talk to me about that. It works with other people, but my life has always been on a spiral downfall, with only a slight bump up when the blue moon rises. It's just too hard. Am I giving up? No I do not think so. But am I doing anything to bring me back up? I doubt so.
I'm just too tired.
I want to be happy.
I don't want to be depressed.
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