Broken Promise
Exactly 14 days ago, I said that I would be going on a short hiatus of a month. Looks like I'm gobbling back my words. I realized that this blog is my one of the few places that I could go to when my mind is playing tricks with me, when I'm having bad thoughts, which, has been pretty often these days, seemingly visiting with the stress that I'm having due to the examinations.
Not only that, I find myself a weak person. Emotionally. I've been overcome by my feelings way too much. Often ending in an unfavourable result. And here's the truth, call me weak, call me lame, it's the truth and I'm sick of stuffing it in, I have cried. Not once. Not twice. A lot. Over the past month or so. I just feel so weak on the inside. Like no one care. Like I'm the transparent one in the group. Like I'm the go to guy when someone need a "Hey, that person is always happy and all, so let's just ignore whatever he says, he don't mind." Please, I do mind. And yes, I do get these often. I'm sick of it.
There has been way too many times that I'm feeling so. The hatred for everything. The senseless thoughts of everything. The need of being alone. But mind you, there is a big difference in being alone and being lonely. I want the former sometimes but never the latter. I know my problem. I do not breathe. Not literally. But I do not breath much. I need to know that the world is out there, it's all on my fingertips. That with a reach of a hand, I will be able to achieve what I want to. But I can't. Why? Since young, whenever I found something that I like, a particular interest in, or something that I'm good in, a slight talent, there will be something or someone that's going to come and crush everything. It can be considered a bad habit. I need to change that habit just as I need to change other habits.
I need to find something that I truly enjoy. It used to be building wonders out from LEGO pieces. It used to be kicking a ball on the pitch. I need to find it. Passion. I should start reading books. Books are the one source to go to if you're in need of inspiration. Books can bring you to places you've never been to, see things that you've never seen, love someone that doesn't exist. Books are magical. I know that. But I just can't seem to bring myself to a full stop and start reading. It often ends halfway. That's one of my other problem, I never seem to finishes things. I have like 8 books that aren't finished and is calling for me to finish them. This is my word to you, to I. I will pick it up once the examinations are over. I will start reading them, page by page, until I finish the last book. And then, I will get a new one and hence, a cycle will begin. Maybe by then, I won't feel as depressed as now, the bad thoughts isn't going to visit.
Look at this, this picture sends out a strong message. One of the strongest I have actually seen. If you do get the message that is.
I guess I should stop for now. If I don't, I won't have anything to say anymore. heh.
Good night guys.
And stay safe. You know what I mean.
Shoutouts to Zoe, you changing your template made me jealous and it made me change mine too. How is it? And to Teng, note that you are not alone. You're never alone!
Not only that, I find myself a weak person. Emotionally. I've been overcome by my feelings way too much. Often ending in an unfavourable result. And here's the truth, call me weak, call me lame, it's the truth and I'm sick of stuffing it in, I have cried. Not once. Not twice. A lot. Over the past month or so. I just feel so weak on the inside. Like no one care. Like I'm the transparent one in the group. Like I'm the go to guy when someone need a "Hey, that person is always happy and all, so let's just ignore whatever he says, he don't mind." Please, I do mind. And yes, I do get these often. I'm sick of it.There has been way too many times that I'm feeling so. The hatred for everything. The senseless thoughts of everything. The need of being alone. But mind you, there is a big difference in being alone and being lonely. I want the former sometimes but never the latter. I know my problem. I do not breathe. Not literally. But I do not breath much. I need to know that the world is out there, it's all on my fingertips. That with a reach of a hand, I will be able to achieve what I want to. But I can't. Why? Since young, whenever I found something that I like, a particular interest in, or something that I'm good in, a slight talent, there will be something or someone that's going to come and crush everything. It can be considered a bad habit. I need to change that habit just as I need to change other habits.
I guess I should stop for now. If I don't, I won't have anything to say anymore. heh.
Good night guys.
And stay safe. You know what I mean.
Shoutouts to Zoe, you changing your template made me jealous and it made me change mine too. How is it? And to Teng, note that you are not alone. You're never alone!
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