Outcast.

Have you ever felt being left out of everything that you are involved in? If you say no, that's a lie. Everyone has felt it at least once in their life. It's the question of how many times have you felt so. For some, they're lucky to only have felt so once, for others, they felt it all the time. I guess I fall into the latter category.

So I was having this talk with a person just under an hour ago, we were talking about everything. And the part of depression and being the outcast of everything and of everyone came up. And I guess the effect of some alcohol made my mind to the "lesser" extreme version of my all so frequent bad thoughts. The part where I open up to people. The part that doesn't come up too often. And it was pretty fine. Like I've said before, it was some sort of remedy for the soul. Like a whole burden being released. I enjoy this. But it's so frequent, as frequent as a blue moon I dare say. 

I'm really changing. Back then, I used to absolutely hate people and all of civilization. I still do, but less. I'm talking to more people than ever, doing stuffs that I have never thought of doing, liking things that I used to loathe. Take Asia for one, remember last time I have no love for Asia and being an Asian? I enjoy it now. And I really like Japan, Tokyo in particular. The other day, Bev and Jo were asking me why. I have no idea. I realize, I like things that I can give no explanation until days after, but's too late for that now isn't it? But here's my answer to that. I have a real thing for bright lights in dark nights. I really have a thing for Lights ain't it? If you know what I mean.  Spite the millions of people crowding in the not so small city of Tokyo, the lure of the light  are unbearable. 
 I guess I'm just sick of being an outcast and desperate of feeling wanted. And these lights make me feel so.

Few days back, I was in Zoe's class, and we were talking of blogging and stuff along with Charmaine. She said that the less you blog, the less depressed you get. I find that true. Only partially. It applies to some, but not all. And it certainly doesn't apply to me. Remember the time that I said I was going to take a month off to concentrate on my studies? That period of time was a real suffer for me. It was like a total month of not talking. I guess for the people that are okay with not writing, they have other people to speak out their true contents. Well, for me, I am not convinced and have no trust in people. I do not like what I see, I do not trust people though I know they truly do. 

In the millenium of time that we are in now, with more and more people absorbed into the tiny screen of theirs, less and less people are noticing the things surrounding them. And I'm not talking about the security wise, I'm talking about life-wise. Sounds stupid. But it's the truth. Do people still notice that some are going through the toughest phase of their lives? Do people notice that some are facing a life or death situation. Afraid to say that most do not. They are so used to getting everything on the internet that they just give up on fighting what's right and giving an effort to acquire a wish. 


This post is so messy oh God but I just don't care anymore. It's 2:27am in the morning, the rain is getting smaller and smaller outside, Lights's voice is still as calm as ever and it's 20 minutes to the start of the Champions League finals between Dortmund and Bayern. I just want to say, thank you for those who care. Without any of you, I've certainly given up on life.