Fullness with Emptiness

There's something wrong with me. I'm a selfish bastard. I've been blessed with a not so bad situation. I'm in a pretty good institution with splendid lecturers and classmates that aren't that bad of a person. But I'm not happy here. In fact, I loathe this place. I can't wait to get rid of BAC from my blood. I don't know what specifically that is causing me to feel this way but it is and I don't know what to do about it. All I can do now is to concentrate on my studies , do well in the exams and hopefully I won't be here for another session.

This feeling isn't a new thing to me. The first time it hit me was when I first set foot on this strange land. Though the same country, it's a whole new experience nonetheless. I felt weird back then. It was like being in a cocoon. Not knowing what would come next. Then it came back a couple years later. Then, it was pretty bad. Knowing that there are solace nearby but I couldn't be near it all the time killed me. It literally took a piece of my soul. One at a time. I fear this time it would do the same. I felt something changed in me. I was mental. Ever since then, there hasn't been anything that's sane to me. I always seem to be floating. I'm struggling to place my feet aground. Only by writing and seeing some familiar face that I adore, can I keep it firmly placed on the ground. Without those two, I would definitely be floating alone in this universe. Not one speck can possibly roam the universe without a helping hand.

There seem to be a pattern here. But yet, this time it feels odd. It feels strange. It's new this time but, deep down it's core, I know it's the same old thought that come to haunt me every 2 years. This time around, I'm afraid I'll lose more of myself. Removing the weights that has been placed onto me in order to keep me aground. It has happened 2 years ago. It will happen again.

I guess you could say that I'm one of those that aren't suited out for this world. Born in the wrong era and in the wrong country. Quite possibly in the wrong world too maybe? Like a fallen angel with it's wings clipped Oh dear, that was pretty vain to say. I'm sorry. That said, all I've been saying is the mental change in me. It's not only the mental unfortunately. It's also physicality aspect. Ever since I came back to Sabah. I have been constantly drained of energy. Not one day would pass without me complaining of fatigue. Even when I got 7-8 hours of sleep daily, and having 4 days of free time, I would still feel tired. It's like a virus in a computer. Something is destroying me on the inside. Not to mention my constant nausea. Every day when I wake up and go to the toilet, my body would react in such a way that making me throw up seem to be the way to go. Thankfully, I've managed to keep it down so far. But I don't know how long I can keep it down.

I miss some familiar face. If only I can live in the past. Can father time do that for me please? I promise I won't do anything to disrupt the mechanics of time. I miss someone. I miss everyone. I want to be left alone but I don't want to be lonely.

Time will be the savior of me.
Time will be the death of me.