[ Breathe ]

Back then when my thoughts used to spill out of my heads and literally out of my mouth, it would be put aside because, well, I was a kid. But there are some thoughts that I've kept to myself. Remember when we were kids, we would always think of the future. Like what we would do and all that.

It all happens to us. I used to think of how life would be for me when I'm in high school, or college or university. And that's that. But I would or rather, could never think of life after that. I would try and give it a go but nothing after that would pop up in my mind. It's like I'm destined to not live after university. And to be frank, I hope it's true. Life is a pretty tiring ordeal. And living a life of 24 years is pretty sufficient, don't you think? 

Look. I'm not going to be a Gunnar Garfors. It's pretty dubious to think that I could travel to all 196 countries in the world. To be honest, I don't even know what I want. Y'know, they say you shouldn't write when your mind is afar and unreachable. But I don't even care about that right now. I feel so lost right now I don't think I can find myself again anytime soon. 

And y'know what's worst than this? I have just came off from a good night off with some of the loveliest people in the world and I love them so much that I'd kill myself for them anyday anyhow. And literally hours after that, I'm here thinking of this thoughts and I want to kill myself for doing so.

I feel like such a dick. Not only for thinking of such thoughts literally hours after I had such a great time. I feel like such a dick for letting my mother down. All my life, I can feel that she's put in a little extra effort in me, and I can't help to think that she's putting all her love and effort in the wrong son. I can't help to think that after I graduated from college, it's inevitable that I'll be dead and all her efforts will be gone to such a waste.

I'm such a dick for being me. I don't ever want to be me. I don't have any talent. I'd kill to actually have some legit talent. I'd kill to have a pebble worth of artistic talent. I can't draw jack shit and it's pathetic really. 

I'm such a dick for swearing so much. I fucking hate swearing and I'm such a dick for being such a fucking hypocrite. I'm losing it. I bloody fucking detest swearing and I'm trying to hard to stop saying it but I just can't. I absolutely hate everything in and around me and it fucking hurts and I really want to stop breathing and I don't want to wake up from sleeping and I just want to lie down and do nothing because that's what I will probably be doing in 30 years time - nothing doing nothing - and maybe that is why I can't think of life after 24.

God, I'm so sick of life. I'm tired of everything. I'm 19 and I'm already tired of doing petty things and it's hard keeping up with life and to be honest, I don't really want to anymore.