Fear
20/6/2015
Fear, I quote, "Which is more dangerous, the dagger brandished by an enemy or the hidden one pressed to your back by someone you never even see?" from Petyr Baelish. I'm going to be honest here, when I came about this quote hours ago when reading the third book in George R.R. Martin's Game Of Thrones, I did not gave much thought to it. Only recently when I decided to write this post, the quote came to me.
It's truly terrifying not knowing what you fear, what's out there under the sun you see, but what you don't see when the sun is down, or like Petyr put it, the ones you don't see behind you. what can you do then? It's one thing to not let your enemy smell your fear, it's another to let your friends take advantage of your fear.
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Few days back, I was watching a movie called Cut Bank. It's about a man who was shooting a video but accidentally recorded a murder happen at the small county they're in called Cut Bank. The murder eventually entangled itself from itself and the truth was that it was a deliberate plan set out by the man to claim a reward. But, because of the plan, a package was not received by a man, a recluse, who was expecting eagerly for it, he went out and sought matters to his own hands.
I'm not mentioning this because I'm writing a movie review but because of the presence of a recluse. In reality, we don't know much recluse. Mainly because they tend to stay out of people's life. But, they are out there and sometimes we just forget about them. And it's a pity.
The point is, I fear I'm slowly becoming a recluse. It's been clear to me that I tend to like animals more than people and that I tend to keep things to myself, or at least the major ones, I guess that's just part of the INFJ trait. Fine. But, what's scaring me more is that...
I have come to a realization that I am afraid of people. My fear has come to a point where my heart pounds a million beats a second and my chest hurts from it, my palms sweating as if I was in the Sahara desert, vision loosening, legs going weary, in a public place. Heck, even the thought of a future event scares me. I just cannot handle the world, I guess. The fear is not just that, but also because I am even scared of people I know that call me friends. I am afraid of driving out, I am afraid of walking out, I am afraid of doing anything that a normal man should be doing, easily. Maybe I am a recluse by blood, if there's such things.
The world scares me so much, I don't know what to do in the future... If there's a future out there for me.
And it's fucking pathetic to think so. I'm more useless than a crippled. I'm contributing nothing to my friends, to my family and to fucking society but at the same time swallowing all the goods that they've done. I'm an anchor that should've been cut away a long time ago.
It's sad though, I had so many dreams when I was young. Looks like many of them will remain dream, if I'm still afraid of the world.
Fear, I quote, "Which is more dangerous, the dagger brandished by an enemy or the hidden one pressed to your back by someone you never even see?" from Petyr Baelish. I'm going to be honest here, when I came about this quote hours ago when reading the third book in George R.R. Martin's Game Of Thrones, I did not gave much thought to it. Only recently when I decided to write this post, the quote came to me.
It's truly terrifying not knowing what you fear, what's out there under the sun you see, but what you don't see when the sun is down, or like Petyr put it, the ones you don't see behind you. what can you do then? It's one thing to not let your enemy smell your fear, it's another to let your friends take advantage of your fear.--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Few days back, I was watching a movie called Cut Bank. It's about a man who was shooting a video but accidentally recorded a murder happen at the small county they're in called Cut Bank. The murder eventually entangled itself from itself and the truth was that it was a deliberate plan set out by the man to claim a reward. But, because of the plan, a package was not received by a man, a recluse, who was expecting eagerly for it, he went out and sought matters to his own hands.
I'm not mentioning this because I'm writing a movie review but because of the presence of a recluse. In reality, we don't know much recluse. Mainly because they tend to stay out of people's life. But, they are out there and sometimes we just forget about them. And it's a pity.
The point is, I fear I'm slowly becoming a recluse. It's been clear to me that I tend to like animals more than people and that I tend to keep things to myself, or at least the major ones, I guess that's just part of the INFJ trait. Fine. But, what's scaring me more is that...
I have come to a realization that I am afraid of people. My fear has come to a point where my heart pounds a million beats a second and my chest hurts from it, my palms sweating as if I was in the Sahara desert, vision loosening, legs going weary, in a public place. Heck, even the thought of a future event scares me. I just cannot handle the world, I guess. The fear is not just that, but also because I am even scared of people I know that call me friends. I am afraid of driving out, I am afraid of walking out, I am afraid of doing anything that a normal man should be doing, easily. Maybe I am a recluse by blood, if there's such things.
The world scares me so much, I don't know what to do in the future... If there's a future out there for me.
It's sad though, I had so many dreams when I was young. Looks like many of them will remain dream, if I'm still afraid of the world.
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