Empty
11:04pm
28/08/2015
All my life, I have been an indecisive piece of a prick. You see, when I was back in Sabah, I would always sleep with my mother in her room. And she has a TV in her room and I would always watch her daily Hong Kong dramas with her. Not surprisingly, I was inspired by some of the stuffs I see on the screen, as is common for kids my age.
There was this super famous pilot series and I was inspired to be a pilot because of it. To soar through the skies just like an eagle would. Oh what freedom! Then there was this police one, and again I was inspired to be a policeman. To serve and protect the people that should be protected. Same goes to a firemen, an occupation I once hoped to be. Now, a kid of my age having multiple dreams is fine. Encouraging even.
But I'm 19 now and I still don't know how I want my life to pan out. When people ask me, "what do you wish to become Stan?" Often I would say a journalist or a writer. But is that what I really want? Do I really want to write for a living? Or maybe I'm just saying that because that's the "easiest" answer I could give. Note, by easiest I'm not saying the job is easy, I'm merely saying it in the context of my ability.
The other day, I had an assignment to write an essay on one of a given topic, either "My biggest concern for the future is..." or "Real love is not the stuff of pop songs." It took me awhile to settle on one topic, I even had written 4 essays for it. But eventually, I settled on the former and my biggest concern for the future is when humanity lives without a soul. That is exactly what I fear and that is exactly the life I am living right now.
A soul, in my opinion, is an entity that is able to feel emotions, be it happiness, sadness, anger or anxiety, to name a few. And aside from sadness and anxiety, I can't say the last time I felt genuine happiness. And that is not the fault of others, but myself. I don't feel happiness because I don't have a purpose in life. You can say that I'm hanging on just because of my family. I want them to be happy, with how little skill and knowledge I have. With that said, I am in no position to afford them this happiness. I am more of a burden than an asset right now, if you were to put it that way. And if I were to have my way, termination would be a welcome choice.
But that is not an option and I'm hanging on. One day I would repay them the faith they have in me. I want them to feel loved and true happiness, even if I can't have it.
"Are these feelings fake if they're aren't my own?"
11:51pm
28/08/2015
28/08/2015
All my life, I have been an indecisive piece of a prick. You see, when I was back in Sabah, I would always sleep with my mother in her room. And she has a TV in her room and I would always watch her daily Hong Kong dramas with her. Not surprisingly, I was inspired by some of the stuffs I see on the screen, as is common for kids my age.There was this super famous pilot series and I was inspired to be a pilot because of it. To soar through the skies just like an eagle would. Oh what freedom! Then there was this police one, and again I was inspired to be a policeman. To serve and protect the people that should be protected. Same goes to a firemen, an occupation I once hoped to be. Now, a kid of my age having multiple dreams is fine. Encouraging even.
But I'm 19 now and I still don't know how I want my life to pan out. When people ask me, "what do you wish to become Stan?" Often I would say a journalist or a writer. But is that what I really want? Do I really want to write for a living? Or maybe I'm just saying that because that's the "easiest" answer I could give. Note, by easiest I'm not saying the job is easy, I'm merely saying it in the context of my ability.
The other day, I had an assignment to write an essay on one of a given topic, either "My biggest concern for the future is..." or "Real love is not the stuff of pop songs." It took me awhile to settle on one topic, I even had written 4 essays for it. But eventually, I settled on the former and my biggest concern for the future is when humanity lives without a soul. That is exactly what I fear and that is exactly the life I am living right now.
A soul, in my opinion, is an entity that is able to feel emotions, be it happiness, sadness, anger or anxiety, to name a few. And aside from sadness and anxiety, I can't say the last time I felt genuine happiness. And that is not the fault of others, but myself. I don't feel happiness because I don't have a purpose in life. You can say that I'm hanging on just because of my family. I want them to be happy, with how little skill and knowledge I have. With that said, I am in no position to afford them this happiness. I am more of a burden than an asset right now, if you were to put it that way. And if I were to have my way, termination would be a welcome choice.
But that is not an option and I'm hanging on. One day I would repay them the faith they have in me. I want them to feel loved and true happiness, even if I can't have it.
"Are these feelings fake if they're aren't my own?"
11:51pm
28/08/2015
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