A Reaction To A Stimulus

It's one thing to watch a movie that's just a movie and to watch a movie that made you feel attached to its' characters. And that is what A Brilliant Young Mind just did. This is not going to be a movie review, I'm not qualified for that sort yet and obviously there will be spoilers for it so if you're planning to watch the movie unspoiled then I'm sorry you got to turn away now.

Right, the movie, called X+Y in the UK where it's produced and directed speaks about a boy with autism and his struggles growing up and finding something that he's good at. The movie portrayed Nathan (the kid) so well that I feel for every struggles that he faces, even if it's a trivial matter such as not having a prime number of prawn balls or not being able to feel.

Growing up with autism and not being able to feel like a normal human being, his parents tried their hardest to make him feel wanted. And his father did. Until he died of a tragic accident. His mother couldn't get to Nathan no matter how hard she tries. Nathan felt something with his dad that no other person could and he kept pushing his mother away no matter how many times she tried to get to him.

In truth, while Nathan know that his dad is gone but he is unable to feel for his loss. He's unable to put into words how much he misses him and how big he fills his life. Anyhow, the movie shows his journey to Taiwan for a maths camp that would determine if he could qualify for the UK team for the Mathematical Olympiad in Cambridge.

In the maths camp, he met another kid with autism but is treated way differently than Nathan. The kid is loud and tries to fit in but is constantly ridiculed by the other kids in the camp, even his own compatriot. At one situation, he was told he wasn't wanted there and he left. After doing the trials and failing to make into the team. He starting hurting himself which he said he's done this before, when confronted by Nathan. There's an interesting quote that he mentioned that for some reason, hit me.

"I've done it before. Just got a bit carried away this time. How did your mom and dad explained it to you? When they found out. I presumed you've been diagnosed. Mine said it make me unique. Nobody wants to be ordinary they said. It's all right being weird. As long as you're gifted. If you're not gifted, then that just leaves weird, isn't it...? I don't even enjoy it. Maths. Isn't that stupid? What's the point?"

Although I'm not diagnosed with autism or anything of that sort but I am definitely weird. I'm probably the weirdest kid you'll ever kid. The kid who never grows up. The kid who should've been left out of the loop. And the worst is I do not possess a gift. So that just leaves weird right? Right. But here's the thing, I tell myself I'm weird. But growing up, I was never really pushed away. I'm able to make friends everywhere I go, no matter how hard my anxiety hits me. No matter how hard my chest hurts and how my palms sweat, but I am able to make friends. Question is, do they value me the way I value them? Or am I just a being that's there to make up for the time?

"So, that man outside. He is not your father?"

"No, he is my teacher. My father died."

"Oh, I'm sorry Nathan."

"It's not your fault.'

"I mean, I feel sad for you. It must be hard to lose someone that you love so much." 

I don't know why these dialogue between Nathan and Zhang Mei (they're such a cutie pie by the way) hit me hard. Is it because I miss my father? Like I said before, he's gone now. I cried for him when I saw him in his lifeless self. His face pale, his chest not moving. His jaws shut stiffed. But I wasn't much of a perfect son for him and he wasn't a perfect father for me. He wasn't there when I felt a need for a father figure. Often his work would get in the way.

Or is it because I don't know how to feel either, like Nathan. Don't get me wrong, I understand the feeling of happiness and sadness, definitely depressed and anxious. But what about love? Nathan, being a mathematical genius, looked for a formula for love.  

Overthinking ruins me.

"If you must mourn, mourn with the moon and the stars up above. If you must leave, leave as though fire burns under your feet. If you must speak, speak every word as though it were unique. If you must die, sweetheart, die knowing your life was my life's best part. If you must die, remember your life." - You ; Keaton Henson