2/2
10:53pm
16/10/2015
If you were to give my mental state this past week a score, it would probably be in the low 20s. As some of you might know, I had a mental breakdown this past week. Especially last night. For those who don't know how a mental breakdown or a panic attack feels like, it's not just what goes on in your mind. It's what goes on in your mind and how your body react to it.
The early days of the week, it was just like any other "bad" day. I would feel like shit, I didn't want to do anything and I was blessed that there was nothing to do. Class was mostly "idle" and there was even a public holiday to top it off. But come Wednesday, the day off, I felt extremely off. I was drowsy all day long, and like my previous post, I mentioned I was two gears slower. I figured someone had sniffed drugs and I was the recipient of such drugs. And that in turn led to a "slippery slope" (reference Dope, watch the movie!)
Don't get me wrong, I had bad days before. But none led to a physical reaction in me. This time though, I had trouble sleeping. I was sweating all around, turning and tossing myself round the bed hoping the Gods would relent and release me from my torment.
This time though, I had an incredible migraine, it was as if someone shot a bullet into my head and that bullet burst upon entry and instead of killing me, the lead is slowly polluting my mind with intense vibration.
This time though, my appetite dwindled and expanded like the formation of a star. It dwindled as if the star has lose all it's hydrogen in it's core and is slowly transforming into a black hole, expanding and eating everything in it's sight.
What is it about this time that made everything 10x worse? I don't have the answer to that. Could I be that I have one of those irregular heartbeat that's one the rise? Anyhow, when I got out of the house today, I breathed what little of the fresh air and thought to myself, any more of this negativity and I would literally get myself killed. I can't live like this anymore. I may not enjoy living today but I'm going to pretend I do because, I want to live tomorrow. I want to fulfill my dreams and if I don't live today, I will never fulfill them.
I got out of the house and I looked around. It was 7 when the sun had just went down behind the hills. It's waves of light still linger in the air. A little of redness illuminated by the lights of the street. And I thought to myself, there is more to this world than my despair. Why should I be sad? Why should I let my sadness be in the way of my happiness? There's no reason in the world to justify that.
Two days back, I was on my Tumblr looking through the posts where I had previously given a like to. And one of it was from studyblr. In it, they suggested keeping a bullet journal. And further encouragement from Yeeli made me got one and I'm happy keeping one. In fact, keeping one made me a little bit happy. Realization that there's more than just 31 days in a month. It's not just a number but it's what you fill the days with.
11:25pm
16/10/2015
Today's the first happy days of a million happy days, if I get to live that long. What's good will come and what's bad will go. It's a cycle really, there will be days where it's bad and days where it'll be good.
There's so much sadness going on in the world with Syria going on, with the tragic Ankara bombing, and closer to home, the tragedy of racial tension. And y'll has brought so much happiness to my life, I guess I feel that it's my duty to repay back the happiness you guys bring to me. And since I don't have anything else to repay that with, I guess I would spread happiness instead.
To be honest, for this second part, I had thought of an awesome idea to write about but I had totally forgotten what it was so I'm sorry for that.
Isn't it funny? Last night I was so much in my cocoon of despair, everything was dark with no lights allowed in, everything and everyone sounded and looked somber. Fast forward, I decided to be happy, and everything and everyone sounded and looked a tad brighter. I guess it's all in a person's mind.
So I guess if you would ask, how is my mental state today? I guess it would probably in the low 20s but what's different is that, it's going up. And it's probably nearing the 30s now. Ask me again tomorrow, would it be in the 40s? Even I don't have the answer to that, but for now, just know that I'm doing okay. I'm going to be happy and for me to be happy, you guys be happy.
11:37pm
16/10/2015
16/10/2015
If you were to give my mental state this past week a score, it would probably be in the low 20s. As some of you might know, I had a mental breakdown this past week. Especially last night. For those who don't know how a mental breakdown or a panic attack feels like, it's not just what goes on in your mind. It's what goes on in your mind and how your body react to it.
The early days of the week, it was just like any other "bad" day. I would feel like shit, I didn't want to do anything and I was blessed that there was nothing to do. Class was mostly "idle" and there was even a public holiday to top it off. But come Wednesday, the day off, I felt extremely off. I was drowsy all day long, and like my previous post, I mentioned I was two gears slower. I figured someone had sniffed drugs and I was the recipient of such drugs. And that in turn led to a "slippery slope" (reference Dope, watch the movie!)
Don't get me wrong, I had bad days before. But none led to a physical reaction in me. This time though, I had trouble sleeping. I was sweating all around, turning and tossing myself round the bed hoping the Gods would relent and release me from my torment.
This time though, I had an incredible migraine, it was as if someone shot a bullet into my head and that bullet burst upon entry and instead of killing me, the lead is slowly polluting my mind with intense vibration.
This time though, my appetite dwindled and expanded like the formation of a star. It dwindled as if the star has lose all it's hydrogen in it's core and is slowly transforming into a black hole, expanding and eating everything in it's sight.
What is it about this time that made everything 10x worse? I don't have the answer to that. Could I be that I have one of those irregular heartbeat that's one the rise? Anyhow, when I got out of the house today, I breathed what little of the fresh air and thought to myself, any more of this negativity and I would literally get myself killed. I can't live like this anymore. I may not enjoy living today but I'm going to pretend I do because, I want to live tomorrow. I want to fulfill my dreams and if I don't live today, I will never fulfill them.
I got out of the house and I looked around. It was 7 when the sun had just went down behind the hills. It's waves of light still linger in the air. A little of redness illuminated by the lights of the street. And I thought to myself, there is more to this world than my despair. Why should I be sad? Why should I let my sadness be in the way of my happiness? There's no reason in the world to justify that.Two days back, I was on my Tumblr looking through the posts where I had previously given a like to. And one of it was from studyblr. In it, they suggested keeping a bullet journal. And further encouragement from Yeeli made me got one and I'm happy keeping one. In fact, keeping one made me a little bit happy. Realization that there's more than just 31 days in a month. It's not just a number but it's what you fill the days with.
11:25pm
16/10/2015
Today's the first happy days of a million happy days, if I get to live that long. What's good will come and what's bad will go. It's a cycle really, there will be days where it's bad and days where it'll be good.
There's so much sadness going on in the world with Syria going on, with the tragic Ankara bombing, and closer to home, the tragedy of racial tension. And y'll has brought so much happiness to my life, I guess I feel that it's my duty to repay back the happiness you guys bring to me. And since I don't have anything else to repay that with, I guess I would spread happiness instead.
To be honest, for this second part, I had thought of an awesome idea to write about but I had totally forgotten what it was so I'm sorry for that.
Isn't it funny? Last night I was so much in my cocoon of despair, everything was dark with no lights allowed in, everything and everyone sounded and looked somber. Fast forward, I decided to be happy, and everything and everyone sounded and looked a tad brighter. I guess it's all in a person's mind.
So I guess if you would ask, how is my mental state today? I guess it would probably in the low 20s but what's different is that, it's going up. And it's probably nearing the 30s now. Ask me again tomorrow, would it be in the 40s? Even I don't have the answer to that, but for now, just know that I'm doing okay. I'm going to be happy and for me to be happy, you guys be happy.
11:37pm
16/10/2015
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