Survive
9:43pm
1/10/2015
I'm at that phase again. You know, the phase where you feel nothing but is yearning for a feeling to take over. I've watched the first few minutes of about 10 movies in the past couple hours. I've opened and closed my Facebook and Youtube tabs 100 times today alone. I consider this a dangerous phase. No one should ever enter into this mentality.
To be honest, this was the phase that I felt the lowest at. Where I actually contemplate life, the purpose of my existence and what I can bring to the world? The answer back then, was always nothing. That I should always kill myself if given the opportunity. Today, I don't feel like killing myself. But I do feel that I am still not able to contribute to the world in anyway, let alone for my family.
I don't know man. You tell me, what made me feel this way? Here's something for a change. A few days ago I realized that I could actually have emotional feelings for someone. To live a life with that person. But my overthinking always makes the worst out of it. That I'm not good enough for her. That there's no way a guy like me could end up with a girl like her. In fact, a guy like probably couldn't end up with any girl. I guess I should just get a dog and make a nice house for the both of us.
You know what's the funny thing? I've known her for years. But there's a gap between the first couple of years and today. That gap is filled with nothingness. We literally did not utter a single word between each other. It's just that a few days ago, I noticed that we were in the same university. Initially, I didn't felt a thing. I was, Oh good, another Taman Sea kid in town.
That's great!
Then the next few days of bumping into each other in the library and the train, I felt that this is the exact feeling I yearn for. It could be a mixture of nostalgia and affection. To be honest, I do not know what I feel, nor how I should feel. To be double honest, I shouldn't feel anything for her or for any other reason. Because, we're probably just friends.
And we're probably going to stay friends.
That's okay...
Is it?
9:59pm
1/10/2015
1/10/2015
I'm at that phase again. You know, the phase where you feel nothing but is yearning for a feeling to take over. I've watched the first few minutes of about 10 movies in the past couple hours. I've opened and closed my Facebook and Youtube tabs 100 times today alone. I consider this a dangerous phase. No one should ever enter into this mentality.
To be honest, this was the phase that I felt the lowest at. Where I actually contemplate life, the purpose of my existence and what I can bring to the world? The answer back then, was always nothing. That I should always kill myself if given the opportunity. Today, I don't feel like killing myself. But I do feel that I am still not able to contribute to the world in anyway, let alone for my family.
I don't know man. You tell me, what made me feel this way? Here's something for a change. A few days ago I realized that I could actually have emotional feelings for someone. To live a life with that person. But my overthinking always makes the worst out of it. That I'm not good enough for her. That there's no way a guy like me could end up with a girl like her. In fact, a guy like probably couldn't end up with any girl. I guess I should just get a dog and make a nice house for the both of us.
You know what's the funny thing? I've known her for years. But there's a gap between the first couple of years and today. That gap is filled with nothingness. We literally did not utter a single word between each other. It's just that a few days ago, I noticed that we were in the same university. Initially, I didn't felt a thing. I was, Oh good, another Taman Sea kid in town.
That's great!
Then the next few days of bumping into each other in the library and the train, I felt that this is the exact feeling I yearn for. It could be a mixture of nostalgia and affection. To be honest, I do not know what I feel, nor how I should feel. To be double honest, I shouldn't feel anything for her or for any other reason. Because, we're probably just friends.
And we're probably going to stay friends.
That's okay...
Is it?
9:59pm
1/10/2015
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