VV

12:04am
14/12/2015

Moon light, star dust, someone has tampered with your vibe. It's nearing Christmas and there should be a jovial mood in the air. The excitement that was here years ago just isn't there anymore. At least for me anyway. Then, I look forward to days of doing nothing for the whole week. I guess even I managed to fuck that up. I guess a whole life of doing nothing has basically made me a tangible form of nothing. You can't look for something you already have... or in this case, am.

It's a shame. All my life I try to be a form of positivity for others. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because I enjoy seeing a smile on people's face. Maybe it's because it's sad to see people drowning in their despair whilst living in this amazing world of ours. Maybe it's because I've known that aforementioned despair all my life and I know how dark the light can be at times.

It's a shame. I can't take my own advice. If I could, I wouldn't be in this place in the first place. Overthinking kills. Even if I do have my own advice or an advice of that equivalent thrown back to me, I doubt it'll work. I just wish someone could drill a hole in my brain and turn off the "you're nothing" switch.

It's a shame. I have never been normal my whole life. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy being weird. I enjoy being different from everybody else. But sometimes I just wish I could resonate with the things normal people do.

It's a shame. I just wish anxiety wasn't real. If it hadn't existed, life would be so much better, don't you think? I mean I could make more friends, keep more friends, do the things I enjoy, love the people I love, enjoy life. Shame I can't.

I've dug myself a hole that I can't get out. Any form or resilience only makes the hole deeper. Any form of a cry for help is unheard or blocked by the sheath of the hole. What do I do? Just sit in and wait til my life truly becomes a literal nothing?

VV ; Vital Vibes

1:02am
14/12/2015