Acceptance

1:48am

17/08/2016

Most of y'll that read here should know by now that I'm an INFJ right? And while I try not to live to a general standard of it or any other categorization of life, there's just some things that are unavoidable. 

All my life, I say to people, "Don't care what other people think. Just do what you want. As long as it makes you happy." Whilst it is easy to say, it is hard to execute. I feel like I owe everyone that I have given that as an advice an apology, I did not entirely believe in the words that came out of my mouth.

All my life, I have always adjust my behaviour and believes according to the people I talk to. Most of them anyway. I tend to hide what I like and what I do not like when placed in such situations. That is why I do not like surprise. Because I cannot prepare myself to react. I'll come out looking like awkward and unappreciative of the occasion. Note, even though I say that, I have thoroughly enjoyed each and every surprise that have been given to me in the past 20 years. 

Growing up, I would hide my likings of petty things, even things that are popular and totally justifiable to like. I would not tell people I enjoy playing video games or watching / playing football because what if they don't like it and don't want to talk to me anymore? What a bummer.

That's my problem. I have always been afraid of the what ifs that I let it hinder the way I live my life. My conscious mind tells me, "I do not care about what other people think." But my unconscious mind is doing things that says otherwise. I am the biggest coward you'll see. I am a liar that constantly spews lies to hide my true self. And to be honest, I have told so many lies in my whole life that I truly do not know who and what is the real Stan anymore.

It was the fear of possibly losing the girl of my dream. It was the fear of being looked at differently that I refuse to try out that new shirt. It was the fear of being hard to talk to that I have a hard time going out and meeting new people and experience new things.

In the end? 

She's in the arms of another. I'm in my old ragged clothing, alone in the place I call home, with only the devils of my mind as company. 

2:47am
17/08/2016

// this post, just like my mind is a mess. theres a million thoughts that i have not put in for one that i did, so the rest will be penned down in another post on a different day. i am sorry