Fear [11]
11:04pm
30/05/2017
It's 2017 and I'm entering into the 21st year of my life. And frankly, I am fucking afraid of growing up and becoming an adult. Let's be honest here, I am not prepared to be an adult. I am a sheltered kid. I am not an independent individual, yet (hopefully.)
I look at so many people around me. They're such independent individuals, I am so fucking amazed at them doing things, even if its trivial things. I'm not saying I am not grateful for my childhood but what if I was given more responsibility when I was younger?
I didn't have much confidence growing up. I dread having a conversation on the phone. I hate going to parties to meet new people. Heck, I even have to prepare myself to order something from the hawker stalls. Even now I still have that problem.
At times like this I wish I was born into a family that lives at the suburbs, too bad Malaysia don't really have such concept. Living in a place where you're comfortable with (mostly) everybody and you could hide your anxieties behind is such a relieving moment.
But that's not the case. I was dealt with this reality and the outcome of my life with this reality all depends on me. Of course I'd like to give my life a reset and start all over again with all the flaws and insecurities and anxieties creased out, but I am unable to do that. And even if I do that, is it worth the risk to alleviate and forget all the happiness that has entered into my life?
Everyone is different and how they deal with problems is different to each person too. But here's one that works for everyone. Share your problems. Because, I've been having such thoughts for quite some time now. I'm nearing the end of my Year 2 studies and with that almost the end of my studies life, for good. And I am clueless with my future. Honestly, I just want to live somewhere outside the city because the city no longer is beautiful for me, it's the source of my stress, I do not want to deal with the people, the noise to my ears and mind. I want to sleep peacefully.
I just want to live outside the city, chop wood for a living or have a farm or something. Something that's calming. Anyway, all my stress and worries have been slowly accumulating over time and today I couldn't hold it anymore. I broke down and shared my thoughts and just doing so relieves some of the tension over me. Having words that resonate with your worries helps a shit ton of it.
I am grateful for the people that has stayed and helped with my anxieties.
I am still full of fear and uncertainties over the future.
I am still fearing the possibility of being further of a disappointment to those expecting great things from me.
I am still anxious from talking to new people.
You can skip this part if you'd like.
11:39pm
30/05/2017
30/05/2017
It's 2017 and I'm entering into the 21st year of my life. And frankly, I am fucking afraid of growing up and becoming an adult. Let's be honest here, I am not prepared to be an adult. I am a sheltered kid. I am not an independent individual, yet (hopefully.)
I look at so many people around me. They're such independent individuals, I am so fucking amazed at them doing things, even if its trivial things. I'm not saying I am not grateful for my childhood but what if I was given more responsibility when I was younger?
I didn't have much confidence growing up. I dread having a conversation on the phone. I hate going to parties to meet new people. Heck, I even have to prepare myself to order something from the hawker stalls. Even now I still have that problem.
At times like this I wish I was born into a family that lives at the suburbs, too bad Malaysia don't really have such concept. Living in a place where you're comfortable with (mostly) everybody and you could hide your anxieties behind is such a relieving moment.
But that's not the case. I was dealt with this reality and the outcome of my life with this reality all depends on me. Of course I'd like to give my life a reset and start all over again with all the flaws and insecurities and anxieties creased out, but I am unable to do that. And even if I do that, is it worth the risk to alleviate and forget all the happiness that has entered into my life?
Everyone is different and how they deal with problems is different to each person too. But here's one that works for everyone. Share your problems. Because, I've been having such thoughts for quite some time now. I'm nearing the end of my Year 2 studies and with that almost the end of my studies life, for good. And I am clueless with my future. Honestly, I just want to live somewhere outside the city because the city no longer is beautiful for me, it's the source of my stress, I do not want to deal with the people, the noise to my ears and mind. I want to sleep peacefully.
I just want to live outside the city, chop wood for a living or have a farm or something. Something that's calming. Anyway, all my stress and worries have been slowly accumulating over time and today I couldn't hold it anymore. I broke down and shared my thoughts and just doing so relieves some of the tension over me. Having words that resonate with your worries helps a shit ton of it.
I am grateful for the people that has stayed and helped with my anxieties.
I am still full of fear and uncertainties over the future.
I am still fearing the possibility of being further of a disappointment to those expecting great things from me.
I am still anxious from talking to new people.
You can skip this part if you'd like.
- Dear Pa, it's been 3 years since your life and mine were separated, I hope you're doing good yourself over wherever you are. I am sorry I couldn't be the son you hoped for. I am sorry for being a disappointment to you. I am sorry I provided more troubles to the family than ever, especially recently. I am sorry we couldn't provide you with a better place. We didn't spend much time together but you've given be the gift of life, and your blood and your name. I hope I could do you and this family proud. I hope I could turn our fortunes around and live without any worries.
I hope when the day comes that I meet you in another world, you would pat me on the back and say, "I am proud of you son."
11:39pm
30/05/2017
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