From the Grave
17/05/2018
If you found yourself here, take a deep breath, prepare a warm cup of water, because this might be a long one. It involves some current realization about my own past, present and possible future. I say possibly because who knows what does the future has for me?
A good place to start is to set up the situation, so that you can visually imagine and easier to understand. I'm sure if you are here then you would've known by now that growing up I face bouts of depression that in some occasion involve self-harming. All my life I have face constants panic attacks and crippling anxieties. The kind of anxieties that would physically bar me from wanting to move a single muscle of my body.
Why did that happen though? I'm not entirely sure when it first started but I guess I could say that I had quite a sheltered childhood. Most of my childhood were spent indoors playing with my Lego playset or Hot Wheels toys. It's not that I did not want to go out back then. It's that I was unable to. My dad back then would always be in the office or out somewhere drinking. My mum would always be out meeting up with her friends or whatever. All my siblings have their own lives. I was still too young to be wandering alone or whatever. An absent family is not the right composition a kid should grow up with.
In addition to that, I am a coward. I am always lacking in confidence. It's the lack of confidence that made me the terrible footballer I was back then. I didn't had enough confidence to speak up about so many things in my life. I didn't had enough confidence to pursue the things that I want. I thought of it as a weakness and it is a huge weakness that is capable of physically restraining me.
But back then I was content with the lives I was living. I didn't know much about the greater world. I was just simply living my life as a simple 10 year old should. I didn't know what was anxiety and that it's setting the foundations to ruin my life.
Rooting a 10 year old kid from his roots and move him across the ocean into a scary, unknown land in which he has no friends is not the way you help with his anxiety. In fact it only made it worse. My heart was beating like crazy, wanting to rip itself from the constrains of my body, and be rid of itself from this world. I was scared. A kampung boy like me had no business living in the hustle and bustle of this great city.
Eventually, that little boy managed to survive. Crawling his life day by day. Panic attacks were a constant occurrence in primary school. High school was the same. Don't get me wrong. It's not like it came everyday. Some days were good. Some days were bad. Some days I would just hide myself in the toilet crying. Some days I would be elated to go out for an adventure.
Most of the time though, it doesn't give me a warning beforehand. It just knocks the door down and take its place on the throne. I've had many great friends helping me out through the way, even though I never literally told them about this. I've pushed so many of friends out so many times. But they kept coming back.
I remember on one occasion, it was New Year's Day and my family had went out to celebrate the New Year. I wasn't feeling well so I opted to stay at home. My friends, you know who you are, were celebrating at the park outside my house. And they asked me to come out. They physically came knocking on my door and I pushed them away. I scolded them and it's a regret that I still hold to this day. Trust me, I really wanted to come out and play with you guys. But my anxiety that day was so bad I didn't want to ruin the fun for you guys. But I guess it ruined it anyway. I'm sorry.
The years after that were the same. There were occasional fights with anxiety. Some days I would come out victorious. Some days I would be left in ruins. It actually continued all the way through college to my university day.
You see, living a life with serious anxiety. You'd learn how to be thrifty. Not with money, but with the actions that you do. Every time I did something that I find it to be amazing, even if it's something simple like driving myself to the university on my own on orientation day, it sticks and provides a good positive platform for the day. Every compliments, every achievement is a booster of happiness.
And eventually, with the knowledge and growing up, university life went well, for the most part. The first half of it was equally challenging as the years before. But I kid you not, once I got together with the most amazing woman of my life, a lot of my anxiety seems to go away. It is not an exaggeration to say that being by her side is very relieving. And I mean it literally. A lot of times my headache would go away, I am no longer nauseous, I don't have anything to fear for anymore. I am finally feeling good.
I know you're reading this but I just want to say I am sorry if I am super extra clingy these days. It's not that I am not independent and rely on you all the time. It's not that I can't live without you. It's just that living without you is a literal hell for me. You are the drug to all my pains, literally speaking. I know this sounds weak and cowardly. But I don't care anymore.
I thought I had it all under control. I thought anxiety would never come back to me again. I thought I had finally won that war once and for all. But the past month has been terrible. I didn't occur to me that it was the return of the anxiety. I thought I was just overreacting to little things that I should've been able to handle.
It wasn't until I was reading a book called "I really didn't think this through" by Beth Evans. While reading it, I understand what I was feeling. That Beth put into words what I've been feeling all these while. And that what I am currently facing right now is not just a one-off thing, it is anxiety. It's back.
I had to stop myself from crying so hard at work. No one saw, thankfully.
You see, there was a point in the book where Beth was in high school, determined to be a nurse. She made it her dream job. Eventually she did so well in high school that she got to be a volunteer at a local hospital as a nurse. But on her first day, the anxiety took over and it made her realize that being a nurse is not her dream job. I had the same thought before.
So she quit the job the next day, much to the shock of all her family, friends and teacher. Her grades started to deteriorate, she only wanted to sleep in all the time, she started cutting herself. It wasn't until one day that she was hiding in her closet, with knives cutting over and over her arms, that she came knocking on her parents door at the middle of the night asking for help.
This is me asking for help. I know you're not someone who likes a clingy boyfriend, I don't always want to be one. But it's just that being happy around you relieves all the anxieties of my own, for once I didn't have to be afraid anymore.
I'm not sure if you noticed but whenever I'm out with you, I feel like I'd anything for you, even the simplest of stuffs. I used to be so crippled by anxiety that I wouldn't be able to walk to the store and ask for something. But when I'm with you, I could do that, and more.
You see, your presence is literally making me a better person. And I know now that we are going with our own lives, you have your job and I have mine, and I trust you as much as you trust me, and that our love will (hopefully) never waver.
But it's going to take time for me to get used to being normal without you. Because all the normal Stan before, it wasn't because I won the war. It's because my anxiety was being fought by you. You were beating it.
Now it's my time to grow up and try to beat the monster that I am facing.
I am terrified.
If you found yourself here, take a deep breath, prepare a warm cup of water, because this might be a long one. It involves some current realization about my own past, present and possible future. I say possibly because who knows what does the future has for me?
A good place to start is to set up the situation, so that you can visually imagine and easier to understand. I'm sure if you are here then you would've known by now that growing up I face bouts of depression that in some occasion involve self-harming. All my life I have face constants panic attacks and crippling anxieties. The kind of anxieties that would physically bar me from wanting to move a single muscle of my body.
Why did that happen though? I'm not entirely sure when it first started but I guess I could say that I had quite a sheltered childhood. Most of my childhood were spent indoors playing with my Lego playset or Hot Wheels toys. It's not that I did not want to go out back then. It's that I was unable to. My dad back then would always be in the office or out somewhere drinking. My mum would always be out meeting up with her friends or whatever. All my siblings have their own lives. I was still too young to be wandering alone or whatever. An absent family is not the right composition a kid should grow up with.
In addition to that, I am a coward. I am always lacking in confidence. It's the lack of confidence that made me the terrible footballer I was back then. I didn't had enough confidence to speak up about so many things in my life. I didn't had enough confidence to pursue the things that I want. I thought of it as a weakness and it is a huge weakness that is capable of physically restraining me.
But back then I was content with the lives I was living. I didn't know much about the greater world. I was just simply living my life as a simple 10 year old should. I didn't know what was anxiety and that it's setting the foundations to ruin my life.
Rooting a 10 year old kid from his roots and move him across the ocean into a scary, unknown land in which he has no friends is not the way you help with his anxiety. In fact it only made it worse. My heart was beating like crazy, wanting to rip itself from the constrains of my body, and be rid of itself from this world. I was scared. A kampung boy like me had no business living in the hustle and bustle of this great city.
Eventually, that little boy managed to survive. Crawling his life day by day. Panic attacks were a constant occurrence in primary school. High school was the same. Don't get me wrong. It's not like it came everyday. Some days were good. Some days were bad. Some days I would just hide myself in the toilet crying. Some days I would be elated to go out for an adventure.
Most of the time though, it doesn't give me a warning beforehand. It just knocks the door down and take its place on the throne. I've had many great friends helping me out through the way, even though I never literally told them about this. I've pushed so many of friends out so many times. But they kept coming back.
I remember on one occasion, it was New Year's Day and my family had went out to celebrate the New Year. I wasn't feeling well so I opted to stay at home. My friends, you know who you are, were celebrating at the park outside my house. And they asked me to come out. They physically came knocking on my door and I pushed them away. I scolded them and it's a regret that I still hold to this day. Trust me, I really wanted to come out and play with you guys. But my anxiety that day was so bad I didn't want to ruin the fun for you guys. But I guess it ruined it anyway. I'm sorry.
The years after that were the same. There were occasional fights with anxiety. Some days I would come out victorious. Some days I would be left in ruins. It actually continued all the way through college to my university day.
You see, living a life with serious anxiety. You'd learn how to be thrifty. Not with money, but with the actions that you do. Every time I did something that I find it to be amazing, even if it's something simple like driving myself to the university on my own on orientation day, it sticks and provides a good positive platform for the day. Every compliments, every achievement is a booster of happiness.
And eventually, with the knowledge and growing up, university life went well, for the most part. The first half of it was equally challenging as the years before. But I kid you not, once I got together with the most amazing woman of my life, a lot of my anxiety seems to go away. It is not an exaggeration to say that being by her side is very relieving. And I mean it literally. A lot of times my headache would go away, I am no longer nauseous, I don't have anything to fear for anymore. I am finally feeling good.
I know you're reading this but I just want to say I am sorry if I am super extra clingy these days. It's not that I am not independent and rely on you all the time. It's not that I can't live without you. It's just that living without you is a literal hell for me. You are the drug to all my pains, literally speaking. I know this sounds weak and cowardly. But I don't care anymore.
I thought I had it all under control. I thought anxiety would never come back to me again. I thought I had finally won that war once and for all. But the past month has been terrible. I didn't occur to me that it was the return of the anxiety. I thought I was just overreacting to little things that I should've been able to handle.
It wasn't until I was reading a book called "I really didn't think this through" by Beth Evans. While reading it, I understand what I was feeling. That Beth put into words what I've been feeling all these while. And that what I am currently facing right now is not just a one-off thing, it is anxiety. It's back.
I had to stop myself from crying so hard at work. No one saw, thankfully.
You see, there was a point in the book where Beth was in high school, determined to be a nurse. She made it her dream job. Eventually she did so well in high school that she got to be a volunteer at a local hospital as a nurse. But on her first day, the anxiety took over and it made her realize that being a nurse is not her dream job. I had the same thought before.
So she quit the job the next day, much to the shock of all her family, friends and teacher. Her grades started to deteriorate, she only wanted to sleep in all the time, she started cutting herself. It wasn't until one day that she was hiding in her closet, with knives cutting over and over her arms, that she came knocking on her parents door at the middle of the night asking for help.
This is me asking for help. I know you're not someone who likes a clingy boyfriend, I don't always want to be one. But it's just that being happy around you relieves all the anxieties of my own, for once I didn't have to be afraid anymore.
I'm not sure if you noticed but whenever I'm out with you, I feel like I'd anything for you, even the simplest of stuffs. I used to be so crippled by anxiety that I wouldn't be able to walk to the store and ask for something. But when I'm with you, I could do that, and more.
You see, your presence is literally making me a better person. And I know now that we are going with our own lives, you have your job and I have mine, and I trust you as much as you trust me, and that our love will (hopefully) never waver.
But it's going to take time for me to get used to being normal without you. Because all the normal Stan before, it wasn't because I won the war. It's because my anxiety was being fought by you. You were beating it.
Now it's my time to grow up and try to beat the monster that I am facing.
I am terrified.
HAHA YOU ROCK!! You are stronger than you know. Hang in there buddy! 💪💪
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