3/6/9
10/06/2018
I am a little intoxicated so excuse me if there is any mistakes with the post. But I just want to say the past few days have been pretty okay for me, mentally. I'm getting better, but some days it just take its' toll on me.
I'm sure you all heard by now of the news of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain's passing. Both of their passing really hit me hard. Kate Spade, while I am not a fan of her bags and what not, but it's the fact that her designs are all bright and colorful, it screams happiness and for someone whose brand screams laughter and happiness, it's scary to lose someone like that to depression.
Anthony Bourdain's really hit me hard. He is one of my favorite celebrity to grace the world. He traveled the world and brought me with him. It was a pleasure to witness the beauty of the world with him. His passing hurt me in the sense that all his life he was open about his battle with addiction and depression. He's open about him seeing a therapist about it. And he survived until the age of 61. It's an amazing feat to do so and it's unfortunate he decided to end it at 61 but his legacy will live on.
The point of this post is not just to talk about these two amazing individuals. But more on how I feel when the depression kicks in. It's my battle with this devil.
1. Trust
Growing up, I should say I didn't had the perfect childhood. I was thankful in the sense that I was never physically abused. Mentally maybe but it wasn't intentional. But it left a scar. So much that I don't actually trust people willingly. The default level of trust I have in people is in the negatives.
2. The Mind is the Devil
Often times I overthink. And when I overthink, I literally think of every situation that there is a possibility of happening, even if it's just 1% of it happening. And sometimes I feel helpless when encountered in such situation and in the end, immobilizes me as a result.
3. I Don't Handle Stress Well
Whenever I've encountered an obstacle or I did something which I did not like in a game, I would always stop the game and reset it. I'd always want the perfect result. There's so many times in reality that I just want to press the reset button but I couldn't. Life don't work that way.
4. The Shield
In every situation, I would always build a shield of excuse should there be any undesirable happenings. I worry so much about a small possibility that it's going to ruin my life.
5. Small Details
I love small details. It's the small things that make or break someone's feelings. I love it. But sometimes I hate it so much. Even if it's something very minor, it's going to play a big part in my mind. It feels as if it's literally pulling a string in my mind and it never goes away.
If you put my life on a fact sheet, I have a loving girlfriend, my family is doing alright, I've achieved great results in my education, got an internship in an internationally renowned company, money could be a little bit better but I guess I can manage by.
But I am not happy.
I feel alone in a sea of people.
The love is shrouded by the doubt.
Words are spoken but it's not heard.
The heart needs smothering but it's pushed away.
The mind speaks and poisons the body.
I am getting better, I swear.
But I'm not well yet.
Is it fucked up if I say I would rather take a thousand cuts to my body if it means a day of silence in my head?
A normal person would probably say yes but to me, that's a thousand cuts of worth.
My Dear,
Thank you for stopping the cuts to my body.
You're my lullaby to my insomnia.
You're the undertaker to my devil.
You're the pills to my headaches.
You're the doctor to my loss of appetites.
Most importantly,
Thank you for loving me.
I am a little intoxicated so excuse me if there is any mistakes with the post. But I just want to say the past few days have been pretty okay for me, mentally. I'm getting better, but some days it just take its' toll on me.
I'm sure you all heard by now of the news of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain's passing. Both of their passing really hit me hard. Kate Spade, while I am not a fan of her bags and what not, but it's the fact that her designs are all bright and colorful, it screams happiness and for someone whose brand screams laughter and happiness, it's scary to lose someone like that to depression.
Anthony Bourdain's really hit me hard. He is one of my favorite celebrity to grace the world. He traveled the world and brought me with him. It was a pleasure to witness the beauty of the world with him. His passing hurt me in the sense that all his life he was open about his battle with addiction and depression. He's open about him seeing a therapist about it. And he survived until the age of 61. It's an amazing feat to do so and it's unfortunate he decided to end it at 61 but his legacy will live on.
The point of this post is not just to talk about these two amazing individuals. But more on how I feel when the depression kicks in. It's my battle with this devil.
1. Trust
Growing up, I should say I didn't had the perfect childhood. I was thankful in the sense that I was never physically abused. Mentally maybe but it wasn't intentional. But it left a scar. So much that I don't actually trust people willingly. The default level of trust I have in people is in the negatives.
2. The Mind is the Devil
Often times I overthink. And when I overthink, I literally think of every situation that there is a possibility of happening, even if it's just 1% of it happening. And sometimes I feel helpless when encountered in such situation and in the end, immobilizes me as a result.
3. I Don't Handle Stress Well
Whenever I've encountered an obstacle or I did something which I did not like in a game, I would always stop the game and reset it. I'd always want the perfect result. There's so many times in reality that I just want to press the reset button but I couldn't. Life don't work that way.
4. The Shield
In every situation, I would always build a shield of excuse should there be any undesirable happenings. I worry so much about a small possibility that it's going to ruin my life.
5. Small Details
I love small details. It's the small things that make or break someone's feelings. I love it. But sometimes I hate it so much. Even if it's something very minor, it's going to play a big part in my mind. It feels as if it's literally pulling a string in my mind and it never goes away.
If you put my life on a fact sheet, I have a loving girlfriend, my family is doing alright, I've achieved great results in my education, got an internship in an internationally renowned company, money could be a little bit better but I guess I can manage by.
But I am not happy.
I feel alone in a sea of people.
The love is shrouded by the doubt.
Words are spoken but it's not heard.
The heart needs smothering but it's pushed away.
The mind speaks and poisons the body.
I am getting better, I swear.
But I'm not well yet.
Is it fucked up if I say I would rather take a thousand cuts to my body if it means a day of silence in my head?
A normal person would probably say yes but to me, that's a thousand cuts of worth.
My Dear,
Thank you for stopping the cuts to my body.
You're my lullaby to my insomnia.
You're the undertaker to my devil.
You're the pills to my headaches.
You're the doctor to my loss of appetites.
Most importantly,
Thank you for loving me.
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