Looking In
10/06/2018
I felt sad for quite some time now. During high school, I brushed it off as an attempt to get attention. It was "cool" to pretend to be sad. I thought I was faking my sadness. So I laughed it off. I didn't know what my mind was telling me.
Fast forward few years, I wasn't tired from faking it. Is it because I wasn't faking it? That it's a real and genuine illness. I probably should've done something about it much earlier. I let it disrupt my short-lived "sporting" career, I could've been a great swimmer or badminton player, I could've played decent football or frisbee, but I let it crippled me.
I could've been playing on stage like some of my friends are. But I let it disrupt me from continuing to learn how to play the guitar or the bass guitar. I stopped reading. I stopped doing things that would improve my value as an individual. I don't know anything about cooking. I don't know anything about any basic things. I distrust people so much that I believe there is a hidden agenda in everything, doubt is everywhere.
I had the assumption that the world and everyone is in their own box of connections. And that everyone is friends with others are in this special box. I had the assumption that I was in neither of the boxes, always looking in. That there is this barrier of thin, invisible wall that's preventing me from entering. The wall is there, and it's called my mind.
1. Social Media is the Bane
Years ago I had one of the clearest, purest time when I purged social media from my life. I stopped using Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Tumblr for about a week or two and I felt genuine happiness in my life, a rare occasion. It's not to say social media is the bane of all causes, but it definitely plays a part in causing the detriment of mental health.
I'd love to continue on such journey now but it'll take some time. Work currently consists of staring blankly into nothing so without the social media, I'm worried I'll be bored to death. But it would certainly help me clear my mind of any doubt. I'm sorry if I ever doubted you.
2. No, it's not. Control is.
Social media is good. It helps in creating jobs, it helps in connecting people. But without control, just like any other things, without control, everyone will spiral downwards.
3. Clarity
I've changed. Your words made me realized that. The weekend and the fresh green air made me realized that. Some of it is my fault, I've over exaggerated things to the extent I don't even recognize myself anymore. I misplaced my trust when nothing was done that justified it.
I know that now. But I'm not going to say with a snap I'll be back to normal. I wish it could be that easy. But I'm starting to learn once again. I need the reset button and I hope you stick by me in this difficult period.
I felt sad for quite some time now. During high school, I brushed it off as an attempt to get attention. It was "cool" to pretend to be sad. I thought I was faking my sadness. So I laughed it off. I didn't know what my mind was telling me.
Fast forward few years, I wasn't tired from faking it. Is it because I wasn't faking it? That it's a real and genuine illness. I probably should've done something about it much earlier. I let it disrupt my short-lived "sporting" career, I could've been a great swimmer or badminton player, I could've played decent football or frisbee, but I let it crippled me.
I could've been playing on stage like some of my friends are. But I let it disrupt me from continuing to learn how to play the guitar or the bass guitar. I stopped reading. I stopped doing things that would improve my value as an individual. I don't know anything about cooking. I don't know anything about any basic things. I distrust people so much that I believe there is a hidden agenda in everything, doubt is everywhere.
I had the assumption that the world and everyone is in their own box of connections. And that everyone is friends with others are in this special box. I had the assumption that I was in neither of the boxes, always looking in. That there is this barrier of thin, invisible wall that's preventing me from entering. The wall is there, and it's called my mind.
1. Social Media is the Bane
Years ago I had one of the clearest, purest time when I purged social media from my life. I stopped using Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Tumblr for about a week or two and I felt genuine happiness in my life, a rare occasion. It's not to say social media is the bane of all causes, but it definitely plays a part in causing the detriment of mental health.
I'd love to continue on such journey now but it'll take some time. Work currently consists of staring blankly into nothing so without the social media, I'm worried I'll be bored to death. But it would certainly help me clear my mind of any doubt. I'm sorry if I ever doubted you.
2. No, it's not. Control is.
Social media is good. It helps in creating jobs, it helps in connecting people. But without control, just like any other things, without control, everyone will spiral downwards.
3. Clarity
I've changed. Your words made me realized that. The weekend and the fresh green air made me realized that. Some of it is my fault, I've over exaggerated things to the extent I don't even recognize myself anymore. I misplaced my trust when nothing was done that justified it.
I know that now. But I'm not going to say with a snap I'll be back to normal. I wish it could be that easy. But I'm starting to learn once again. I need the reset button and I hope you stick by me in this difficult period.
The moon and the sun are two vastly different creature. But they loved each other. They need each other.
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