Can't Help... Being Afraid

14/09/2018

In the 22 years that I’ve lived, there has been few moments where I am terrified to death. Some of it is known to others, while some is left to the discretion of my own and my own only. 

One of the first big scare I ever had was when I had to pack up all my things and move from Sabah to KL. Granted I was just a little kid back then and imagine one day, your mum just told you, “Hey, pack up. We’re moving to stay with Popo.”

Uprooting everything we had at home and moving to another piece of land that is also called home would take a lot out of anyone, let alone me. . Albeit I was young back then and knowing I had my family with me calmed me down. 

If you didn’t know already by now, I’m a person with big dreams but with a bigger flaw. I’m not afraid of many things but I am afraid of the biggest things; doubt, uncertainty, insecurity. 

Another fear I had was during my first day at high school. I knew many of the new intake of students already had friends there. They either come from the same neighbourhood or from the same primary school, hence they already had their own cliques. 

But here was this kid from the faraway land who knows literally no one there. Most of my primary school friends were allocated to a different school. And I was dumped in this one alone. 

Thankfully, the people here took me in as one of their own. And while many came and went, a few stuck and I will forever be grateful for them for making me feel at ease. 

Oh that’s not it. Of course the prospect of jumping from high school to college and university also took a great amount of guts. 

I went to BAC for Law. Back then the fear wasn’t whether I’ll be able to survive or not. The fear was, whether me taking Law would be a good choice. Granted it was in A-Levels, a foundation that gave me a lot of freedom to choose from, but still, choosing the right foundation goes a long way. 

In the end, I can’t be sure whether it was the right decision but I am thankful I chose law. Even until today, I still wonder the what ifs if I had chosen to continue with that. 

University came right after college and I’m not sure whether that was the cause of my lack of fear or whether it was the group of people that really made the fear all go away. 

I was really never at any terrifying, gripping fear during my time here. Not during exams, not during presentations, not even during viva. I felt at ease. 

That was last year. 

Then came internship. I remembered my first week. I was afraid of doing so many mistakes that would cause troubles for other people. I was afraid of venturing into new things that in the end, stopped me from growing. 

I have this big problem. I never seem to be able to take compliment until it’s really been drilled into me. I doubt people and their honesty. 

I believed I would never amount into anything good, hence I reject those compliments. Whenever someone said something good about me or my work, I’ll go hey that’s great thanks. Then the minute after I’ll be thinking, is it really though?

And I guess that’s where it brings me today. 

I’m about to embark on my first real job this coming Tuesday. 

And I am terrified. If you could tear me apart, my disembodied body would still be trembling from the fear of it. 

What if I keep doing mistakes?

What if I would be ousted as the bad ones?

What if I could never do anything right?

What if I’m nothing?

One common theme from all my fears was perseverance. Never once did I let my fear got the better of me, well most of the time. 

I gritted it out and battled my insecurities down, that my only choice was to slug it out. More often than not, I came out good. That’s where I need to fix myself. To drill that into my brain and to stop thinking and start doing. 

It’s a 6-months contract. This will help me out with my resume, especially if I want to achieve my lifelong dream. Hey, if it ain’t good, after 6-months I’ll be out again. 

I could try events after that if I wanted to. 

I could go back to AA after that if I wanted to. 

I could even do something with bb if I wanted to. 

The world is out there and there’s no limit. Just don’t go around expecting for the world to serve you (me), it’s time to stop asking and start doing. 

I guess the purpose of this post is not to ask for kind words. I contemplated and hesitated writing this for about a week now, I guess this is just one of my way to slug it out. 

Because, the end goal is what matters. 

Also if you didn’t already know by now. The title is a reference to the song Can’t Help Falling In Love. 

Thank you for sticking by and always telling me the words I need to hear. Thank you for always telling me that the world is not out to get me, that I’m good enough. I just can’t help falling in love with you because you literally mean the world to me.